Thursday, January 28, 2010

Late Night Issues

I would like to use my new forum to discuss an issue that has recently presented itself to me. Since becoming a person who stays up all hours of the night skulking about my house in the dark and trying to stay awake so as not to endanger the life of my child, I have discovered the sad state of late night TV.

I now thank god I am not an insomniac and I will only have to deal with this awfulness until my child can sleep through the night (next week i am sure...she is very advanced). There is really nothing on unless you are interested in a workout program that can be purchased in 15 easy installments or a cleaning apparatus that comes with a second of the EXACT SAME THING for free. Obviously, I am not in a place where I am aggressively working out (am i ever? simply stated, "no.") However, I am a complete sucker for all the work out programs because those people that have lost 172 lbs doing the ab swinger or the stripper work-out are inspiring. However, my husband would never let me order one. I know this because a few years ago I passionately wanted Yoga Booty Ballet and that was quashed with one eye roll and firm head shake. So I try not to watch the workout infomercials because at the end of the day they just make me feel bad. There is always a 735 lb girl who was a size 53 and is now a 4 who stands in her skimpy workout bra and biker short set and says "If I can do this with the ab-core flexorama, anyone can." And of course she is either a) holding up her big girls pants or b) in front of a huge picture of herself in a bathing suit at a water park as her former large self. So this leads me to to think to myself that I should really do a few sit ups at the next commercial. Unfortunately by then I have forgotten and use the commercial to refill my coke and get another cookie. So obviously, I avoid the workout infomercials at all costs.
So that leads us to the other genre of infomercial that runs constantly--the "as seen on TV" cleaning supplies/small kitchen appliances. I find the hosts' dedication to their products amazing and the fact that they whip their audience into a frenzy over something that no one really needs is beyond admirable showmanship. I think these hosts are previous cult leaders who can hypnotize with their eyes. I always wonder if the people in the studio audience are paid or do they spend their days hoping from set to set to cheer for shammy cloths and mini blenders. This however does nothing to deter me from my love for "as seen on TV" items. Like the audience I get hypnotized and start to believe my life is not complete until I get a Shark Steamer. And as of this Christmas I know that my life was not complete until I got my Shark Steamer. But that is neither here nor there, because really these infomercials are just praying on those of us who are just sleep deprived enough to think that a combo french-fry/salsa maker is something that not only will make my family and guests awe-inspired by my cunning in the kitchen, but will also make me happier in all aspects of my life. Those with insomnia and new mommies everywhere are probably getting their mail and occasionally there is a mystery package of something they have ordered while sitting in front of their TV's with their eyes glazed over and their fingers dialing 1-800-whatever with their brain completely unawares. So I move to save these people from themselves and cut out the infomercials. The networks have a captive audience with us night owls, so why can't they take advantage by showing us quality programming? It is not like we have anything else to do. I can only Facebook so much, and i need two hands to play Bejeweled Blitz so that is not possible with a crying infant. Give us what we want and keep using regular commercials to pay your bills you money hungry TV people. I would love some old school sitcoms, and I don't mean 5 straight hours of Frasier (sorry Mom). I would like some Golden Girls and Friends and 90210. Now maybe these things are out there and I just have not come across them yet. All I am finding are Proactive commercials and the the skinny freaky guy with the headset selling knives and car wash equipment. So because of this quandary of what to watch to stay awake so i don't drop the bottle and anger Alice, I look to my lovely DVR. I have become a hunter during the day, looking for things to tape so that i can stay occupied late night. And it works, but it would be more satisfactory to just be able to turn on the TV and have a bounty of quality programming to choose from. So if anyone knows someone in programming at a network please pass this plea on to them. We night people are a crazy bunch and need your help to maintain what little sanity we have left. Give us a break and play a little Cosby Show or some Facts of Life. I would even take some Perfect Strangers. Thanks.
ps> i would really love the Magic Bullet for my birthday. Available at fine retail stores everywhere.

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