Monday, March 29, 2010

Childhood is Wasted on the Young

This morning my child woke up, ate for 15 minutes, and is now asleep again. This leads me to my latest epiphany--childhood is wasted on the young. I think someone famous has a quote out there about this and I have heard people say this before, but I never really thought about it. Now that I have a baby I realize how true it is!!! She sleeps whenever she wants, eats when she's hungry, and has two adults to do her bidding. We are basically her staff of two--maid, cook, butler, and clown all wrapped up in mommy and daddy. Don't even get me started on wast management duties. Do you know what I would do just to get one of those at my disposal? (Not the clown, clowns freak me out.) I have always thought I would want the cook the most, but these days I think it would be the housekeeper. Lucky Alice has no worries, she flies by the seat of her diaper. What a great way to live. So this is my point--she doesn't even appreciate it! Ever since she has been alive--12 whole weeks--her every need is met in a hot minute. Sure she may have to scream a little to get someone's attention, but who doesn't occasionally have to shout at the help? She definitely has it down to a science already. She gives us a 30 second window of whimpering to give us a fighting chance to get whatever she needs before she launches into her full on tirade. Since 99.9% of the time it takes me at least 30 sec just to stand up, then the real demands start in the form of angry frowny face and shrill shrieking with some deep gasping thrown in for balance. This will make you hop to. Anything to stop the noise that the wee one makes to make sure we understand that she is not pleased with our performance as her employees. She is constantly reminding us very vocally that we need to get a move on when she needs something. Fortunately she will occasionally give me a hint of what she wants--fist biting (think Dorothy on Golden Girls) when she is hungry. Screaming while covering her eyes, while seems like she cannot bear to look at such incompetent house staff, actually means she is sleepy. So we do what she wants and live to make the Lady Baby happy. This is precisely what I am talking about. I would like for a staff of 2 to make me happy whenever I demand it! I would like to eat when i feel like it, sleep when i am tired, and someone to spread my toys all around me when i would like entertainment. (In my case it would probably be moving the remotes where i can reach them and bringing me a stack of books!). To top it off, she gets assistance to work-out. As her personal trainer, I help her sit-up, make sure she is positioned the most comfortable way possible so she has plenty of room to wave her arms and legs like a maniac, and lay her on her tummy to make that neck and shoulders nice and strong. I wish a trainer would do all that for me!
Sadly for little Schmalice, she will not remember being catered to constantly. She will not remember that we did everything in our power to make her life perfect and stress free when she was baby. Not to worry though, I will constantly remind her as she grows up. I will also make sure she knows that she can return the favor once I am an old lady and will need some help to eat and someone to bring me a blankie when I am cold. I figure she will really owe me after the good job I have done as her personal assistant of life.

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