Thursday, August 18, 2011

Mommy's Wish List

Things I wish I had to make my life easier...

1. An au pair, as needed. For times when I want to nap and Lady Baby hits me with a spoon because I fell asleep on the couch. Or when I want to get me toes done. Or spend five minutes without hearing the word mmmooommmmyyy screamed 752 times in a row. You know, just the basics. But not the skinny pretty Swedish type. More like the large hulking German type. With a mustache. No need for the nanny to make me feel bad myself when she is there to help. Also, I need her to disappear when I am done with her help. I don't want to to have to cook and clean for her. German food seems hard to cook, frying up all that schnitzel and potatoes. So I guess a robot au pair with a German accent and a 5 o'clock shadow who loves screaming toddlers would be perfect.

2. A "No Whining Button." Not one I would wear on my jean jacket 80's style. I could totally make that, no problem. I mean one that I push to cut out all whining. Please see #1 and the over use of the word mommy happening in my house RIGHT NOW. It would also cut out all pants tugging for attention and fake crying. It would eliminate the whining that comes from squabbles over toys, the impromptu sob session when I remove a permanent marker from my child's hand just as she is attempting to "colors" and the angry screaming when I wrestle a nickel or paper clip out of her clenched teeth. Any time she even looked like she was going to whine, I could push the button and Her Highness would be all happiness and light.

3. A Baby Washer Extraordinaire. Imagine a chamber that I could put a very dirty child in that would scrub her and buff her and dry her, all without removal of clothes, diaper, and hair bow. If you have ever traveled abroad you may have seen those public port-a-loos on the street that lock down after someone uses them and sanitize themselves. I am dreaming of something similar that I would sit Lady Baby in and close door. When the I reopen it after 45 seconds she would be sitting there all clean and smiling, with no effort on my part. I feel like that would be useful when she eats spaghetti for dinner, after her bath. It is not easy to scrub tomato stained skin with a paper towel. Their is screaming and tears and that is just coming from me. She turns into a wild animal. So if I had the Baby Washer Extraordinaire, it would be a no hassle, no fuss, child cleansing. It would also have a Post-Diaper blowout setting, that would only scrub the business end, and then apply some butt paste, and rediaper. You're welcome.

4. Child-Noise canceling earphones. You know the noise that comes out of your child's mouth as they screech to the beat of the Wiggles? The one that makes it basically impossible to think about anything but rupturing your own eardrums on purpose? Or the sounds that two little girls make while they are fighting over who gets to push the stroller? These earphones would cancel those noises out. However, they would allow you to hear real calls of distress, like "I fell off the couch and broke my arm" or necessary statements like "I pooped." (Of course they are customized by the user, so maybe some moms only really care if the statement is "I pooped on the coffee table" or "I pooped in your favorite pair of flats." You see where I am going. We all have different levels of what's important enough to move on immediately and what can wait). I can only imagine how much calmer cooking dinner would be if I didn't have to listen to the sounds of a gorilla little girl as she stands on the gate into the kitchen, shaking the bars with every ounce of her being, screaming. Bye-bye noise, hello frozen pizza preparation in peace.

5. The You-are-Forgetting-Something Alarm. This goes off as you are leaving the house if you don't have everything you need. Like a paci. Or a diaper. Or a snack. Or your keys. Or your purse. Or your child. You know, whatever that key thing is you have forgotten. I often leave the house with 95% of what I need, but 5% left behind. And that 5% is always something important. Like the dog who is supposed to be dropped off at the kennel. Or the grocery list. Once, it was my wallet. This alarm would not just buzz, but also let me know what I was forgetting. It would also save me a lot of breath spent cussing and a lot of time spent having to turn around and go back in for that forgotten item. Not to mention cut down on the public embarressment.

So there you go. Inventors of the world unite, you have some work to do. Mobilize and get to it, mama needs some help, pronto.


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