You guys are great. You love me, you feed me (not as much as I would like, but it will do), and you let me sleep in your bed at night. I really appreciate all of this. The problem is that thing you came home with about 20 months ago. I think you call her Alice (what kind of name is that? Stupid). She is the devil and I would like her to leave now.
Remember back when it was just the three of us? Yeah, I know we have the cats too, but they don't really contribute much. Except for the yummy poops and occasional face licking, I could really do without them. Anyhoo, I call that time "the good ole days." And for very good reason. I laid around all day either outside in the sunshine or inside on the couch. In peace. We spent the weekends together. We went to the dog park. We hung out in the yard, you doing the whatever people do in the yard, and me chewing sticks and rolling in leaf piles. All of
These days, there are some differences in my life. Differences that I did not ask for, nor do I appreciate. Ever since you brought the maniac home, things have been amok. Yes, she has an intoxicating scent of poop and hot dogs with a little soured milk thrown in, but I find her to be super annoying. These days it's all Alice-this, Alice-that. What does Alice want for dinner? How about what I want for dinner. Not this food you bought me for old lady dogs. I don't appreciate the assumption that I need tiny pieces of food. Last time I checked I have all my teeth. Where should we take Alice today, the park or the playground? No one is talking about whether I would like to go to the park or not. Jerks. Sure I have a torn ACL, but I still enjoy a jaunt around the block. I am looking a little thick around the middle, thanks to you two and your inability to pry yourself away from your precious child and her many needs.
Don't even get me started on the teasing with the food. Yes, I will admit I enjoy the food the
Moving forward, please take note of the following. I am requesting more walks. I am pleading for the screamer to sleep more, thus enabling the three of us to spend more quality time lying around watching TV. I will even let you pick the shows. I am putting you on notice to quit buying the geriatric food or else I will start barfing it up. AGAIN. Lastly, I implore you to muzzle the young one. She is too loud and I do not like it. At all. I prefer to sleep and groom in peace. I can't think with the constant shrieking and squealing. It is maddening and it interrupts my naps and cuts in on my butt licking. And as you well know my pets, that is when I do my best thinking.
Let me know if you want to think tank on some ideas of relocating Alice. I am sure I have some friends that know of a nice farm that may be interested in taking her.
Smell you later (literally),
|I have enclosed this picture of the good ole days, just |
in case you have forgotten. You, me, a pile of leaves.
Now that is fun.