Thursday, September 22, 2011

Toddlers are Mental

I have noticed a little something about my toddler. Or maybe a big something. She appears to have mutiple personality disorder. For reals y'all. Split personality. Jekyll and Hyde. Sybil. Vicki on One Life to Live. That is what I dealing with on a daily basis over here.

Let me provide a few scenarios to state my case:

Its time for breakfast. I scoop Miss Priss up and put her in her booster. Where she eats every meal. Every day. Nothing new. Except she decides that today she doesn't want to sit and eat. So she revs up some impressive hysterical screaming, complete with "mommy mommy mommy" and sobbing. Alarmed that my precious flower is in distress, I remove her from the seat and hug her. She immediately giggles in the way only an evil genius can. Realizing I have been had by a child (again), I pop her back in the seat and we start the whole thing over again. Screaming, taking her out, giggling. I. Am. Not. Happy. Now I am faced with the quandary--do I let her starve or let her eat while walking around. I am not proud to say that I have waffled and given in on several occasions, mostly because the screaming wears me down.

Anthony gets home from work and picks Alice up. She begins her normal riff of screeching for mommy. I take her, and she turns the tables on us and switches over to screeching for Daddy. Switch parents, screech for the opposite. Confusing? Very. Frustrating? Insanely. This one mystifies me, because we are both standing together, handing her back and forth. Then, I am over it, and I walk away leaving hubs to hold a thrashing wild animal. *smile*

These are only two of the millions of situations in which Lady Baby turns it off and on. It really is award worthy. My peeps, don't be surprised if one day in about 20 years you are watching an awards show and see an older version of me (still hot) sitting in the audience. I will be there as my child's plus one (because she of course brings her mother to the most momentous moment of her life), cheering and weeping, watching my first born receive her Oscar/Emmy/Tony for best actress. In my opinion, she is well on her way to a lifetime achievement award. Here is hoping they count your toddler shenanigans in your body of work as a performer. She will be a shoe-in at age 12.

I am open to advice, opinions, and/or ideas on how to handle Her Highness. I am not scared of the smack down. In fact I bring it on a daily, if not hourly, basis. But there are certain things that are hard to punish. How do I explain to a 20 month old that she is time out for being too smart for own good? You can't. If you could, I would have figured it out be now, surely. But then again, I am not the smart one, Lady Baby is. I suppose I may as well prepare for a lifetime of being outwitted. Let's just hope she keeps the personalites to two, because that is all mama can handle.


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