Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Acute Holiday Anxiety

It is Christmas, and I have exactly two decorations in my house. A poinsettia in my dining room and a wreath hanging outside. The plant may die before Christmas actually gets here, because I can't remember to water it. The wreath is my normal brown grapevine wreath with crap from my yard stuck in. I only did that so my neighbors won't egg my house on the Lord's birthday because I am the least festive house on the street. Not only am I not decorated for Christmas, but my Thanksgiving decor has not packed itself up (stupid pilgrim statues, mocking me) and I put my pumpkins in the trash today. At least I tried. There is still one laying in my yard because it busted its disgusting rotten pumpkin guts when I tried to roll it down the front walk. In my defense, it was a huge pumpkin (several people told me it was the biggest they had ever seen) and I did rinse the guts away so the mailman would not slip and sue me. Merry Christmas.

My inability to get my Christmas on is only a small part of the larger issue I am facing in life. It is called Drowning in the Everyday Details of Life (its a real thing), but more on that later. I went to Web MD and chose the following symptoms: anxiety, confusion, difficulty solving problems, easily distracted, forgetfulness, headache, impulsive behavior, lack of motivation, restless sleep, slow thinking. According to their programmers doctors I am suffering from one or more of the following problems: anxiety disorder, acute stress reactions, caffeine overuse, lead poisoning, or head injury. None of that seems quite right. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely experiencing caffeine overuse, but so is half of America. The acute stress is brought on by my holiday panic. It is not outside the realm of all things possible that the hubs is slowly killing me with lead in my coffee which he is immune to because he has been slowly building a tolerance for years, a la The Princess Bride. But, I feel like I may have noticed that. I feel like Web MD may need a little tweaking. Nowhere did it ask me if I had a toddler with an attitude. Or if I work. Or if I have a husband who commutes 45 minutes each way. It did not have a place to note my dog has chronic kidney disease and a torn ACL, or my cats use their urine as a way to show me which chair is theirs (all of them, so don't sit down in my house). It did not ask me what month it was, whether we have paid off our mortgage, or if my jeans fit. It did not ask me if I had recently been to Ikea with a two year old, if I was behind on my Christmas cards, or if made dinner tonight (which I did. Bam.) SERIOUSLY WEB MD. YOU SUCK. YOU HAVE FAILED ME. Maybe I should add rage issues as well. I think my problem is that I am a working mother with a toddler and it is Christmas and her birthday is right after that and we are traveling for the holiday so I have to be ready ahead of time and I can't stop reading the True Blood books so I am not going to bed early enough and my house is so dirty I feel like the only option is to burn it down. I think maybe I do have a head injury...I just got it from banging my head against the wall.

I was feeling behind in my life before the holidays rolled around. Lately it seems I can only do about 75% of each thing I try to accomplish. Please note, that is my max. Most of the time, I am hovering between 25% and 50%. I get the laundry done, but not put up. I have half of my Christmas cards addressed. I get most of what is on my grocery list but forget a key thing, like half and half. How can I overcaffeinate if I don't have my creamer? I sweep a few rooms but get distracted before I can finish the rest. I put cookies in the oven and set the timer then forget to turn it on. Seriously people. I am struggling. This is why I can't bear to deal with Christmas decorations this year. I cannot imagine putting them out only to have to take everything down in less than three weeks. I have no tree because the thought of keeping Lady Baby from breaking all my beautiful ornaments is too much to think about. This is probably the last year I will be able to get away with that, so I may as well take advantage of it and use my time to worry about all the other stuff I have to do. Like buy stocking stuffers and stamp 100 Christmas cards. Not to mention I am seriously behind on Modern Family.  I also have a ton of work to do, which is technically the most important thing on the list considering completion is necessary to continue purchasing food and enjoying electricity. Christmas will come and go, just like Thanksgiving did. Instead of a butter turkey, I will be left with half a plate stale Christmas cookies. (Hopefully someone will make cookies. Lord knows I won't, but I would certainly like to eat some). 

Hopefully in the next 8 to 10 years I will get it together. I will get over my acute holiday stress and enjoy the season.y lonely wreath will have to be enough. This year watching Her Highness's face light up when she sees her Santa gifts will have to be enough. Listening to her sing her version of Jingle Bells will have to be enough. And it will be. Because really who cares about all the other stuff? All that matters is that I get to enjoy the holidays with my peeps, especially my crazy girl. 

Across the street


Nothing like the glare of your neighbor's Christmas
lights to make you feel inadequate



4 comments:

  1. This is maybe my favoritest of your posts and that's saying a lot. I'm glad your 75% is able to keep this blog up to date. Ho, ho, ho and all that jazz...

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  2. LOL!! You crack me up. I am about a 25%-50% person also. I am losing my mind and cannot remember anything. Is that really your neighbors house??

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  3. LOL You are ahead of me. I have my prelit tree up with nothing on it but an angel and the Christmas cards that started coming in. Lollipop lights in the front yard. just 4, no lights on my house. No decorations up in the house. I don't even own a wreath. I have a wreath hanger, but no wreath. do you think if I put the hanger on the door someone would have pitty on me and place a wreath there? I haven't even started on my christmas cards yet. Thought about it. Does that count?

    ReplyDelete

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