Saturday, February 4, 2012

Help Me Help You

Below are a few things about me. I want to to know a few things about you. Most importantly what you want to hear from me. I don't get a lot of comments, so I would love to write about things people actual want to hear about. Give me some ideas about what you want to read about and it will help me help you. And by help you I mean impart my great life wisdom on you. Or maybe just give you a laugh. You dig? 
Help Me, Help You
Thanks for your help Tommy. Kiss kiss.

1. Sometimes I wish I could just snort a line of coffee grounds. At least a first cup's worth. Then I could just sit back and enjoy my second cup. Awake. With a nose bleed.
This is gonna hurt a little.
2. Why can I sleep through a hurricane, a fire, and shots fired like Rip Van Thea, but I hear my child cough and I am immediately awake and concerned she is aspirating. It makes no sense. Then I lay there and listen for further sounds of a death rattle. Hubs is always basically laying there awake and ready to talk about the meaning of life at any given moment, until child makes a noise. Then he slips into temporary coma. I should probably get him a sleep study. Cause I have already had one. Good news, I am not clinically dead while I sleep (as some people have diagnosed me, ahem, hubs). Bad news, I grind my teeth like a cow on coke. 

3. Deciding what to make for dinners is the hardest past of grocery shopping. Besides avoiding buying things that are not on my list. And surviving getting the child into the cart without me getting a black eye or a bruised chestie. (oy vey the kicking). And not getting into trouble for taking two free cookies when the sign clearly says one. If you had to push Her Highness around for an hour you may want to drag the entire display container just in case. Anyhoos... I wish I could go back in time and prevent that pesky smarty pants Dr. Atkins from publishing his book. Now eating pasta more than once a week makes me feel like I may as well just eat straight out of the sugar canister. Now I feel like I have to make vegetables. Annoying.
I lurve you speggy, with your easy, just-boil-water goodness.
And the jar durn easy. That's right DURN.

4. What happened to Movies of the Week? Remember how there used to be TV movies all the time based on actual events? Something like Lady Baby: 2 Going on 22 . A Cry in the Night: Mommy Wants to go Back to Sleep. Where did those go? They should bring them back now that all these soap stars are out of work. They could get some seasoned dramatic actors for just a few dolla's. You will laugh, you will cry, you will remember why you never trust a man who's pregnant wife disappears. It is always his fault, and he is always cheating on her. 
UPDATE: I realized these movies all go to Lifetime. Blerg. Me no likey. Chant with me...bring them back to the network would so much better. And I know what channels those are. Anything above 20 is like a TV scavenger hunt.

5. Why is everyone in the world all of the sudden wearing DJ Lance rock glasses? It is a quandary.
Not you Brad, you can do whatever you want. Cause your Hawt.

6. Things that are good for you should not suck. Like lettuce. Barf. And running. Double barf. Laying on the couch and eating ice cream should be good for you. I should make the rules. Not Travis Stork or Dr. Oz. Anyone can wear scrubs, people. That doesn't make you an expert. Or does it???? Hmmmm...
Side note: I should have my own show. Lets start a twitter campaign. Someone send me some scrubs. 

So there you go people...see how I have already helped you by giving you all these things to ponder all weekend? You are welcome. Now help me out. Because I am needy. And want more comments. Leave me one here, or on the Facebook, or send me a carrier pigeon. However, before you opt for number three, please know I am afraid of birds and will probably have a heart attack trying to get that little rolled up piece of paper off that scaly bird leg.


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