Monday, March 5, 2012

Listen to Your Gut, Not your Husband

Let me start this list by saying that I live in fear that my husband and friends will band together and put me on What Not to Wear. I am not claiming to be an expert on what looks good or what is fashionable. I do however have steadfast rules about what I believe is not attractive. Lucky y'all, I am now going to share them. You are welcome.

1. Baseball caps backwards on anyone over 18. Baseball caps on backwards say to me: I'm-a-sophomore-and-going-to-weightlifting-class-and its-1994. For dudes, it always makes me feel like they are trying to hard to be young and hip. Mostly because they were young and hip in 1994 and that was cool then. Now it is just covering your receding hairline. On girls, it is seriously unflattering. It is something I feel should never ever been seen anywhere. Ever. Ladies, please refrain.

2. Overalls. Yes, I wore overalls with a strappy tank in high school. Because that was hot. Except for it really was not hot. Not then, and not now. Only little kids and old men look cute in overalls. Everyone else looks vaguely androgynous and very wide. Even you, hippie chicks. I recently read that overalls are making a comeback. I shudder to think. If you see my wearing them next year, feel free to remind me of this post.

These would cause serious staritis.
3. If people are staring at your face/bangs/chest you need to find a mirror ASAP. My people, I speak from experience. More than once, I have been having a weird bang day (if you have or ever have had bangs, you are familiar with this phenomenon). I spent the day watching people stare at my bangs while I talked to them. When I got to the bathroom to see what the heck they are looking at, I realized it looked like my cat had licked them into place. No idea how that happens when they were swooping perfectly when I left the house. When people are staring at your face you probably have a zit that needs attention, something smudged where it should not be, or a boogie. That last one is the worst and people are often uncomfortable pointing out anything booger related, in case they are forced to help you remove it. The chest staring usually means you have either buttoned your shirt incorrectly or you are showing too much cleave. Also something people dislike pointing out because then they have to admit they were staring at your boobage.

4. A little make-up never hurt anyone. A little powder, blush, and mascara can do wonders. Very seldom do these three things used conservatively make anyone look worse. I am no makeup genius. I have not mastered the art of intensive brow maintenance or using concealer. I do however try to do a little something to my face everyday so that I look less like a tired mother of a two year old and more like someone who is at least trying a little. I will say, I can go from unfortunate to acceptable in less than one minute with those three things. Please note, I also believe that too much makeup hurts everyone. Both those wearing and those looking at the wearers. Let your skin breathe people.

Surely that felt too tight.
5. If it feels too tight, it probably is. We have all done it. We have all walked out of the house and spent the day sucking in because our pants/shirt/dress feels uncomfortably snug. Chances are if it feels that way, it looks that way. Listen to your gut, literally. If it is screaming out of discomfort, you should respect that and take the extra 3 minutes to change. Then you don't have to spend the day thinking about how tight your outfit is, and being self concious. You can devote your brain power to more important things. Like Words with Friends and Pintrest (surely you didn't think I meant work).

6. If it looks too tight to you, it probably is. Please refer to the previous point. If you look in the mirror and are unsure if the fit of your garment is acceptable, you should probably go ahead and change. It is a win-win for everyone. Again, listen to your gut. And if it, or any other part of your body, is straining your ensemble in unattractive ways, give it some room. Literally.

No good I say. No good.
7. It it feel like it is giving you a wedgie or a camel toe, it definitely is. One would think this was a no-brainer. Sadly, my friends, it is not. How many times have you been walking behind some unfortunate soul in jeans whose wedgie is enough to make you start sweating and picking your own undies JIC. I am in a perpetual state of amazement of people that are able to go about their day with either of these two conditions happening downstairs. Can't they feel that? Do they just not care? Either scenerio is perplexing. If there is a shadow of a doubt that either thing is happening, please for the love of all that is decent, change your pants. 

8. Husbands sometimes lie becuase they are scareds.  We all ask our husband's opinion on things. Do I look fat? Do you like these shoes? I do it too, and I discovered a little something interesting a few months ago. Husbands lie. I think it is because they are scared to tell the truth, lest we have a nervous breakdown and are unable to wash their boxers or make dinner. The scenerio: I was thinking about changing my hair and asked the hubs one simple question. Bangs or no bangs? His response was a surprisingly vehement, "No bangs. I hate bangs." Imagine my shock, considering I've rocked bangs for approximately 98.2% of the entire 14 years we have been together. I almost fainted from distress. All those times he said he liked my hair cut? Lies. Lies lies lies. Upon further soul searching, I decided his opinion was actually not all that important and I now have even thicker bangs. Guess that will teach him to lie to me. Please keep this anecdote in mind when you are asking your other half if something looks good. Ask your best friend. She will tell you that your muffin top is happening in a big way or your boobage is off the hook. Husbands, not so much. They need us too much.

There you have it. I don't claim to be super fashionable, but I do claim to know that you should listen to your gut and your booty, but maybe not your husband. 


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