Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Kid's TV is Super Weird

My TV seems to rotated between Nick Jr, Sprout, Disney Jr and Kids on Demand. Before you read this I would like to issue the following disclaimer: My child does not watch TV constantly. When she does watch it we are normally snuggling right after she gets up or right before nap/bedtime which is why I have seen all these. Or I need to go to take a shower/send an email/or want a second to pee alone. Stop judging me. 

Special Agent Oso...He is way too portly to be an effective super secret agent. His vest won't even zip. No one would intrust any missions to that guy.
Notice the rotund belly. 

Mickey Mouse Club House...Where do they all live? I think the senseational six may be homeless. They are always hanging out at the Clubhouse, and bouncing around Mickey Park, but no one seems to have a home. Except Willie the Giant. He lives on a farm in the sky. Cause that makes sense.

Doc McStuffins...She should not be able to physically walk around with a head that size on such a tiny body. I do enjoy that her mom is a doctor and her Dad is always in puttering the kitchen. So 2012.
Doc, thy head is enormous.

Handy Manny...Where the heck is Sheetrock Hills? It is on the beach, near a lake, close to the desert, with tree filled parks, a majority hispanic community, and it snows in the winter. And the tools talk. But only Manny's tools. I still don't understand why none of the tools in that minx Kelly's hardware store talk. Seems circumspect. 

Little Einstiens...Worst. audio. to any show. EVER. After 5 minutes my ears are bleeding.

The Wiggles...A cross word about The Wiggles shall never pass these lips. I love them. I am thinking my next husband may be a Wiggle, as I am quite partial to Anthony (go figure). Never mind that they made upwards of $40 mill last year. 
Future wiggly husband.

Yo Gabba Gabba...I have several friends who do not permit their progeny to watch this one. I couldn't care less, even though it is weird as all get out. But the tunes are catchy and teach a good lesson. Who can argue with "Be kind to everyone, and you will will have some friends" ??? No one, thats who. I can get past the androgenous DJ Lance, with the extra low-crotch pants, and Muno, who looks like an item straight out of an Adults Only film. 

Lazytown...This one is so bizarre I had to take it the interwebs to figure out what the deal with it is. It is from Iceland, the land of Bjork. I feel I owe to myself to visit there someday if they can churn out both Sportacus and Bjork. 
Me no likey the weird puppets.

Chloe's Closet...I have nothing to do with anyone who calls their duck lovey "Lovely Carrot." It defies all logic. 

Cailou...Terrible whiny Cailou with his big bald head. I feel a bit sorry for him. He obviously has a condition since he is eight and hairless, but his baby sister has a head full. It is, however,  no excuse for his incessant whining.

Blues Clues...I hate the color of Steve's collar. I can hardly watch the show because of it. I do love the word skadoo, so that kind of makes up for it. Dont' even get me started on Joe. 
It's terrible. A weird khaki-yellow- old white sock-color. Just look away. It's too much

Curious George...This is the new fan fave at our house. Since when does a museum guy have enough money for both a NYC apartment in a building with a doorman and a country home? Has this been addressed and I just missed it? I am not sure how that is possible since I seem to have seen every episode twice and we have only been watching it for about a month. Also, everyone acts like its so normal to have a monkey running around solving problems. It bugs.

The Freshbeat Band...It is a bit of an assault on the eyes, but the tunes are actually quite catchy.Her Higness likes to dance to it, which is entertaining in itself. I imagine at least three of the four stars will go on to reinvent themselves and have albums and torrid affairs and either have a sex tape or end up in rehab. My money is on the red head...she seems a little pent up.

The Backyardigans...It took me at least 7 viewings to figure what Austin was supposed to be. Also, it bugs that they are all real animals except Uniqua who is a mystery alien thingy. As if a mother moose would ever let her baby play with a mystery alien thingy. Ridiculous.
Austin is on the far right (he's a kangaroo if you can't figure it out either.)
Uniqua is second from the right. Weird Alien Thingy.
The middle one is Pablo, who I mistook as a penguin, until my mother told me he was a blue bird.

Sesame Street...Anything that shows Elmo is going to get some airtime at our house. Elmo is a two year old's version of meth. If you don't believe me go to the toy aisle at Target any time of day. There will be at least one kid screaming "Elmo" at the top of his lungs. I love Sesame Street because it really is educational. It taught Lady Baby how to do the Hokey Pokey, or as she she calls it, the Hopey Popey. She is pretty much ready for life with that under her belt. Not to mention it is an hour. 'Nuff said. 

At some point I know she is not going to want to snuggle with her blankie and milk a few times a day to watch her shows. She is going to be all, "mooommmmm, I can't sit in your lap. I'm 14." So I will take these fleeting moments and treasure them, even if it means I am subjected to torture of both the eyes and the ears. Small price to pay. 


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