Sunday, May 20, 2012

Survival Living Is Not Really My Thing

Katniss, I am not.
If there is one thing I know about myself, it is that I would never survive in the olden days. Or in a post apocolyptic world. I guess that is two things that I know. But since the olden days and a post apocolyptic world are kind of same-same, I still count it as one. You dig? I would have perished at a young age had I been born in a time without modern conviences. Like faucets. And stoves. And flip flops. Who is with me? Yeah for 2012.

1. In the olden days everyone made their own shoes. I cannot fathom that process. I can only assume it involves tanning leather (ewww) and sewing it all up. This is actually something I have thought about more than 5 times, because I cannot comprehend having to do that for myself. I would be shoeless, padding around the forrest. This means I would be even more in need of a pedicure than I am now, which is a serious issue. Then I would get cut, and it would get infected, and I would get gangrene, and my fate would be the same as that guy they let die in the tent on the other side of the bay in The Beach. I prefer to rely on the shoe section at Target. It just seems safer. 

2. I would have to build fires all the time. There are several problems with this. The first is the obvious. What a pain in the ass. I am cold...hang on I will build a fire. I am hungry...hold on, gotta find some wood. I need to send my BFF a message with smoke signals that I'm going to be late. Where in my flint stone? Its too much. TOO MUCH. Not only would I die, but I would die cold, hungry, and no one would know because I couldn't get my smoke signals going. The next issue is my basic fear of fire. I would not be comfortable starting one in a forrest and possibly burning down little deer houses and rabbit dens and my log cabin community (Smokey the Bear, y'all). The last problem is I am not at all comfortable in my ability to use pieces of nature to start a fire. I have a hard time working those grill lighters sometimes. I cannot imagine two sticks would be easier.
Dear Lord, you have to have some sort of
pelt as well? Um, no.

3. Plumbing. Really no explanation needed. Back in day no water was at the ready for things like bathing and using the potty. Huge buckets of water had to be hauled to and fro. I am not much for hauling anything to and fro. And I am sure I would spill my buckets at least once or twice a week, causing me to become the outcast water waster. Then I would be lonely and thirsty and really have to tinkle.

4. See #3. No bathing/brushing on the regs. And this lady prefers cleanliness. I don't have that awesome hair that can go days without a good scrub. I am lucky to get twelve hours before I am a lank greasy mess. Also, if it was the old days, there would be no hair cuts, so there would be even more greasy mess to contend with. Don't get me started on tooth brushing. This is a vital part of my existence. A stick would never suffice. Greasy with bad breath is a bad look for me. Not hot. (There was going to be a pic of bad teeth but when I googled it I almost passed out. Don't do it.)

5. I would be unfortunate at best. The first issue is that I have terrible vision, so I would be blind. That is probably why I am spilling all the water and can never find my flint. Also, I would be barren (for more explanation read THIS). Last but not least, I would have terrible very bad teeth for which in modern times I wore braces from 5th grade to 9th grade. Yes, you read that correctly. Therefore I would be blind barren spinster with a jacked grill. This is a fact. I asked hubs and he confirmed that he would definitely never have gotten together with me in those circumstances. I would be the old aunt with lots of cats in her log cabin/cold stone manse/tent.

6. I would almost definitely eat something poisonous. People had to forage in the woods for food. That is a little more intense than rolling down to the Teeter for my organic apples and toaster waffles. While the foraging would probably be enough to kill me, terrible judgement when I am really hungry would be the nail in my coffin. When I am starving everything goes out the window. The other day I had nothing for lunch and then I ate 1/4th of a bag of miniature marshmellows at 3pm. Did I want them? Not really. Did that stop me? Unfortunately not. I was starving and it was there. So I can only imagine what kinds of crazy things that I would eat while I was out searching for berries that don't cause the runs and root vege that doesn't taste like feet. Since I seriously doubt my abilites to find those things, I would more than likely get so ravenous and I would eat something like cacti or poison ivy. The latter of which I am very allergic. 
But it would make such a tasty salad.

7. Childbirth with no epidural. Really don't need to say much more. However, due to #5 I would probably not be procreating. But if I did find a hunchback with one eye and a bad breath (no teeth brushing) I would be forced to birth our 13 children with no drugs. Only a leather belt to bite on and some corn liquor to drink. Barren with cats sounds way better. 

8. No TV. Related: no DVR. It was a sad dark time.

Now that you all know that I am not equipped for survival, I am taking applications for people who want to add me to their post apocalyptic clan. Please get in touch quickly just in case the Mayans were right. I want to have my travel plans arranged pre-December 2012. Thanks in advance.


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