Thursday, June 7, 2012

A Model? No. OCD? Yes.

So this one time, I thought it would be super awesome to have pictures made of my two year old. Who is two. In her terrible twos.  And thinks other people's suggestions are basically stupid and meant to be ignored. She is not what you would call super receptive to a photographer's direction. It was basically a two hour session of my trying not to bring the pain to my precious angel while there was a camera present. The only upside was that it was refreshing to hear her tell someone else "NO" for a change. The vehemence level was slightly under what she prefers to use on me. But it did not lack passion or purpose. But the lovely Kendall from Captured by Kendall donated the session to our neighborhood school's raffle and I, who wins nary a thing, won it. SO. We were having these pics taken, by god. Lady Baby did not get the memo to bring her A-game. Instead she brought her pain-in-the-ass-and-gonna-make-you-wish-you-picked-a-different-vocation game.
This is what she thinks of having her picture made
As some of y'all now, Lady Baby has a not-so-secret obsession with chapstick. Anytime it is in her possession, the following ritual takes place: hold chapstick in fist tightly, remove top, smear all over lip-ish area, put top back on, put hand in lap. Repeat at 5 second increments, all the while squinching the tube in a tiny fist so tightly it turns into generic-fruit-ass scented goo in approximately 8.2 minutes. At our shoot we had a bit of a "situation." The first catastrophe was that Her Highness's brand new tube of Daisy Duck Lip Smackers did not make the trek to the country. *Sweating, schreeching, crying, sob sob.* Mommy fail. Upon this revelation, the sweet and lovely photographer Kendall discovered she had some Bert's Bees in her car. In order to tame the wild beast, she handed it right over, thinking it would help to get Lady Baby smiling and relaxing in front of the camera. Backfire. What happened instead was we spent the entire shoot telling her to put it in her pocket, hide it in her lap, or give it to us. Or else


This was the script:
Adult: You may use it, then please put it in your pocket.
Child: I do it, just a minute. *frantic smearing*
Adult: Do it once, then we will take a picture, then you can do it again.
Child: No. Chapstick. *insert psychotic baby grin here and more frantic smearing*
Adult: Please put in in your pocket. We need to do a quick picture.
Child: I have chapstick. Chapstick. Chapstick. *apply in rapid circles with tube squenched every so tightly in tiny hot hand*
Adult: Put it down now.
Child: I do it. I do this chapstick. Chapstick. I do it. *almost screeching. more smearing*
Notice chapstick clutched in the death grip. Notice wrinkled sassy face.
It was like watching a tiny version of "True Life, I have OCD." Remember that guy who was obsessed with the perfect deodorant application? It's a bit like that. But replace the huge dude and a stick of speed stick with a wee little girl with a tube of organic lip balm. Commence the ritual.

I felt terrible. The photographer was killing herself to get just a smile and a decent pose out of my child. Instead she got a lot of wiggling, a lot of sass talk, and a lot of wrinkled forehead. And a lot of frantic lip moisturizing. I hope it is a very long while before I have another great idea like this.
No. NO. NONONONONONON. No Thank you.
PS...This is not a review, it is an actual true story that happened to me. For reals. This is not a sponsored post. I lived this fresh new hell with my child and you can too. Check out Kendall's page.

7 comments:

  1. Ok, I know it was not your favorite afternoon ever, but I have to tell you that I LOVE LOVE LOVE these pics!! :) When she's 8*9*10*17, and has morphed into some strange alien creature with hormones oozing out of every pore, these will be the moments you will be so grateful to remember. Your sweet lil HoneyB: determined, outspoken, and utterly unafraid to be herself....what fabulous qualities for a girl to have! XOXO Miss HoneyB, you are raising a wonderful girl Thea!!!

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    1. thanks love. I do think she is pretty awesome :) if not mind-blowingly frustrating at times.

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  2. Bwahaha, I remember that deodorant guy. The worst part about it was I totally understood what he meant. I know that feeling of "the deodorant is not on correctly." Or, "the door did not lock just *right*." Scary shit.

    Also, how do you say Lady Baby? Is it Lady BABY like you might say "Ladybird Johnson" or "Lord Tennyson," or is it LADY Baby like you might say LADYbug? Do you know what I mean I HAVE TO KNOW

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    1. LADY Baby. EmFAHsis on LAY-DEEE. I hope that you now feel whole again. The funny thing is we don't actually call her that. It is just how I refer to her in the blog. It got annoying writing her name over and over so I looked for other names to mix it up and that one just stuck. Blog peepes often call her that though.

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  3. this sounds so much like many of the photography sessions i've had with brooke! obsessions by my aspie girl show themselves in the weirdest ways and she can't leave them behind just because mommy wants a cute picture. it's embarrassing when you go somewhere like sears to have them done and you waste ages of the photographer's time and cause everyone in the area to sweat through their clothes and then you don't buy a single shot because they all suck.
    i hope your end result will be well worth the hassle.

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  4. It was actually pretty entertaining! My favorite was when she told me "no", it was just too cute. After the 200th time and I learned that reverse psychology did not work with her I thought that we should just send Burt's Bees a picture and see if they would like to use it for advertisement. Maybe that 2 hours and 20 decent pictures could be forgotten with a check that says $2,000,00.00!

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  5. Too funny, Thea. I love what Jenna said above. I can't say it any better than she already has. :-)

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