Thursday, June 7, 2012

A Model? No. OCD? Yes.

So this one time, I thought it would be super awesome to have pictures made of my two year old. Who is two. In her terrible twos.  And thinks other people's suggestions are basically stupid and meant to be ignored. She is not what you would call super receptive to a photographer's direction. It was basically a two hour session of my trying not to bring the pain to my precious angel while there was a camera present. The only upside was that it was refreshing to hear her tell someone else "NO" for a change. The vehemence level was slightly under what she prefers to use on me. But it did not lack passion or purpose. But the lovely Kendall from Captured by Kendall donated the session to our neighborhood school's raffle and I, who wins nary a thing, won it. SO. We were having these pics taken, by god. Lady Baby did not get the memo to bring her A-game. Instead she brought her pain-in-the-ass-and-gonna-make-you-wish-you-picked-a-different-vocation game.
This is what she thinks of having her picture made
As some of y'all now, Lady Baby has a not-so-secret obsession with chapstick. Anytime it is in her possession, the following ritual takes place: hold chapstick in fist tightly, remove top, smear all over lip-ish area, put top back on, put hand in lap. Repeat at 5 second increments, all the while squinching the tube in a tiny fist so tightly it turns into generic-fruit-ass scented goo in approximately 8.2 minutes. At our shoot we had a bit of a "situation." The first catastrophe was that Her Highness's brand new tube of Daisy Duck Lip Smackers did not make the trek to the country. *Sweating, schreeching, crying, sob sob.* Mommy fail. Upon this revelation, the sweet and lovely photographer Kendall discovered she had some Bert's Bees in her car. In order to tame the wild beast, she handed it right over, thinking it would help to get Lady Baby smiling and relaxing in front of the camera. Backfire. What happened instead was we spent the entire shoot telling her to put it in her pocket, hide it in her lap, or give it to us. Or else

This was the script:
Adult: You may use it, then please put it in your pocket.
Child: I do it, just a minute. *frantic smearing*
Adult: Do it once, then we will take a picture, then you can do it again.
Child: No. Chapstick. *insert psychotic baby grin here and more frantic smearing*
Adult: Please put in in your pocket. We need to do a quick picture.
Child: I have chapstick. Chapstick. Chapstick. *apply in rapid circles with tube squenched every so tightly in tiny hot hand*
Adult: Put it down now.
Child: I do it. I do this chapstick. Chapstick. I do it. *almost screeching. more smearing*
Notice chapstick clutched in the death grip. Notice wrinkled sassy face.
It was like watching a tiny version of "True Life, I have OCD." Remember that guy who was obsessed with the perfect deodorant application? It's a bit like that. But replace the huge dude and a stick of speed stick with a wee little girl with a tube of organic lip balm. Commence the ritual.

I felt terrible. The photographer was killing herself to get just a smile and a decent pose out of my child. Instead she got a lot of wiggling, a lot of sass talk, and a lot of wrinkled forehead. And a lot of frantic lip moisturizing. I hope it is a very long while before I have another great idea like this.
No. NO. NONONONONONON. No Thank you.
PS...This is not a review, it is an actual true story that happened to me. For reals. This is not a sponsored post. I lived this fresh new hell with my child and you can too. Check out Kendall's page.


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