Sunday, August 26, 2012

A Mother's Epitaph

I have instructed Hubs, upon my head blowing off in Target, to please put "She had a two year old." on my gravestone. I seriously think having a two year old may very well kill me. Let me rephrase. Having my two year old may very well kill me. 

Lady Baby...please take note of the following informational bullet points if you want me to live to throw you a 3rd birthday party (disregard and proceed with your shenanigans if you don't mind if Dada throws your party. I hope you like PBR and trail mix):

1. Leaving the house does not mean we need to carry 2 purses, a dog, a baby, 3 chopsticks, blankie and a paci. We are going to run errands, not being exiled to another country. 

2. Pooping in your nighttime diaper is understandably upsetting now that you are "potty trained." However, please refrain from removing the diaper yourself and then being horrified when you have an extra large poop ball in your bed. 

3. Please understand that when I give you the option to sit on the potty or in time out, it is not meant to cause a thirty minute think tank on the pros and cons of each. I am giving you a chance to do the right thing. The longer you take to decide, the more chance the situation will end with one of us crying.

4. Do not ask me for a lolly pop for breakfast again. When I offer you an apple, and you slap it out of my hand, please don't be surprised when you have to go to time out. Sobbing and wailing "you never share with me" does not make me see your side of the lolly pop-for-breakfast platform. 

5. Please stop saying extra loud "it smells like poop in here" every time we go in a public restroom. 

6. Please stop touching every single fixture/handle/trash can every time we are in a public restroom.

7. Please stop screaming "I peepee'd" every time we leave a public restroom.

8. I need you to stop Honey Badgering me in stores. We have to get food so you can take one bite and then throw it on the floor. Direct your attention to the following sub points.
      8a. The quieter I whisper-yell at you to stop whatever you are doing, the closer I am to loosing it. You would be wise to hush and just eat your free cookie.
      8b. I have no control over what type of carts are available at what store. It is not my fault if there is not a car that you approve of. Sometimes, there are no cool car carts. You would be wise to keep your opinions to yourself and just eat your free cookie.
      8c. You are not getting the cookie because I think you deserve it. I just am hoping it will make you stop talking to strangers and to me. Please for the love of god, just sit and eat your free cookie.
       8d. Never, I repeat NEVER, Stand up in the cart for any reason. I don't care how bad you want something you can not reach from the sitting position. It makes me look bad when the old lady has to tap me on the shoulder and point to you. You should not be standing to reach an apple. EVER.
       8e. Stop taking off your shoes in stores. We only have one pair that fits and if we lose those you are basically a hobo.

9.  I am not your personal assistant or your Sherpa. If you want to bring something outside of the house, be prepared to carry it.

10. Sometimes, I need you to play by yourself. 

11. Sometimes I need you to watch TV by yourself. 

12. Sometimes I need to go to the bathroom by myself. 

13. Despite popular belief, I am not speaking just to hear myself talk. I know my rules are silly, but humor me. It will save us both a lot of heartache.

I don't think Her Highness will change her crazy 2 year old ways, but it was worth a try... In lieu of flowers, her daddy is going to need donations for boarding school.


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