Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Leave the Kid, Take the Alcohol and Chocolate

Remember how I used to be all, my child is making me crazy...my head is going to blow off...I am losing it...my two year old is going to kill me? Well, that is all better now. I know that was only two days ago,but I actually wrote that last week. Since then I found the cure. And, because I care, I am sharing it with all y'all. It is a few steps, so stay with me here, but hang in. This is some good info.

  1.  Pack your bags. Make sure to include lots of elastic waist pants and books and of course your laptop. In a small bag, put a few outfits for your kid, diapers and instructions for every possible scenario so that you will not need to be bothered for any reason.
  2. Pack food. Things that should go in the bag and cooler include chocolate, wine, beer, cookies, and Cheetos. In a small separate bag, throw in a few squeezy apple sauces and a box of cereal bars. 
  3. Put child in the car and drive to where ever there is someone that will take her for the weekend. Uncles, Aunts, grandparents, neighbors, people you met the other day in line at the grocery store. When they agree, don't question it. Just say thank you.
  4. Hand child off quickly and continue on to a predetermined location. Put on comfortable clothes, pour a drink, and proceed to enjoy being with either friends or alone. Husband optional. Relax and remember showers are also optional.
  5. Do not retrieve your child for at least three nights/four days. This is the MINIMUM amount of time required for full toddler detox. During this time texting is the best option for communication with the person that has your child. Calling once a day is acceptable, but only for quick need-to-know information. You do not need a play-by-play of pool time or a detailed accounting of meals. Your kid is being exactly the same as they are with you, except better behaved with nicer manners. 
  6. Pick child up and enjoy being excited to see her. If you are not excited, then you should have stayed an extra day. Note for next time.


Yes.


Yes.



Absolutely not. Never. Run.
Last weekend we had an adult only vay-cay with good friends at the beach. I am refreshed. Calm. Relaxed. Everything Lady Baby has thrown at me this week has been handled with grace and aplomb. Sure she was screechy at Aldi and she acted like a maniac at nap time, but I didn't waver. I didn't scream when she peed all over a lot of her plastic dish ware from her pretend kitchen because she was so busy making faux coffee that she forgot to potty. I handled things calmly when she pooped in her pants at the park . I have reasoned with her. I have refrained from screaming. Even my counting to three is calm. I've been that mom. The one who is all zen and seems to be have a personality disorder, but in a good way. Because she is happy and doesn't realize that her child is acting like El Diablo. But don't be jealous y'all. You too can be Zen. Just dump your children off and enjoy the silence. Relish in a long weekend where no one needs you to do more than hand them a beer or stir the pasta. Take pleasure in the fact that the only pee you could possibly have to clean up is your own. Because you have wet your pants laughing. Roll around in the idea that no one will assault you for serving them the wrong flavor of yogurt and you will not be verbally berated for being unable to produce the correct color of grape. Don't worry that your child needs you or misses you or wonders why you kept the car running when you dropped him off at grandmas. Child is fine. It is a long weekend. They will survive being spoiled and stared at and sweated beyond belief by their grandparents. Chances are they will get more attention than you give them in a week. It is a win-win for everyone. Especially you. Because you are not with them, you are elsewhere, in stretchy pants, eating Pinterest snacks and reading trash magazines. You are remembering why you and your spouse have so much fun, and why weekends with no Yo Gabba and no sippy cups are so important. It makes you a nicer, calmer, and more in control parent. Less likely to to be found sitting in your pantry crying and eating mini-snickers, more likely to be smiling at your child.

Now go make yourself a better parent by following my steps exactly. Do not deviate, unless it is to stay away longer. And make sure to take the mini-snickers with you.


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