Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Day She Tried to Break Me

Here is how my day went yesterday.

Wake to find that after diligently closing doors to all the bedrooms to keep 'betes cat from peeing on the beds, we in fact shut her in our bedroom and the other cat in the guest bedroom. Guess what? They both peed. The absolute worst way to start a day is by peeling cat pee sheets off of a bed. Then have that followed up with hub's discovering cat pee on his dress pants. It can really sour you for the day. Thirty minutes into day, after cleaning two pees up, child pees on the floor beside the potty. Rinse, repeat. So that is four illicit urinations pre-brekkie. TOO much...too much...*sob*...too much...

Go to see my grandmother for lunch and grocery shopping. Lady Baby is a maniac during lunch, then her hand gets shut in the door of the bathroom. Cue the insane screaming and flailing and sobbing. If you are new here, dramatics are her specialty. Get to the grocery store. Spend an hour with insane child ripping stuff off of shelves, opening groceries, and leaning into the freezer to steal ice cream and screaming for no reason other than she hates humanity.  That is all from the novel car cart. The funny part is she asked if she could walk. As if. 

Unload groceries for Grandmother and child discovers an empty glass jar and proceeds to walk around with jar. Trips over 1 millimeter rise in linoleum to carpet transition and drops jar. Jar breaks. I scream, child cries, grandmother looks like she is ready for us to go home. 

Stop at bank to deposit checks and go upstairs to see hubs. Her Highness puts on a one woman show free of charge for all employees. We have a successful trip to the potty, where the automatic flusher makes her eyes shoot out and she jumps seven feet in air. I consider that the high point of my day. Get in the "alligator" (elevator) and she immediately pushes the "emergency rescue me I am stuck in the elevator button." Never one to have a clear head in an emergency, I jump off panicked. Hubs, who is still standing there, tells me to get back on and explain there is no emergency. There is about to be an emergency though, because I am about to kill my child. I apologize to mystery voice asking if we are stuck, and ride elevator of shame back down holding child back from buttons so as to avoid another "situation."

Get home and walk up the flagstone steps. Child falls off the first step, which is maybe two inches high, backwards (I am sure there were some sort of shenanigans happening involving dancing/climbing/general tomfoolery) and bangs back of head. More screaming. 

Head to pool. Put child in puddle jumper, she jumps in baby pool. Water up to her waist, just above bottom and tells me she has to poop. To the bathroom, wet tankini bottoms peeled off, sit on toilet. We discuss her expressed desire to to put her head under in the potty the way she does in the pool. I toy with the idea, but decide if anyone is drowning themselves in the potty today it will be me. I feel I have earned it. No poop, wet bottoms back on, back to the pool. Repeat three times, never pooping once. Call hubs and almost cry with relief when he says he is walking in.

Get home, skip bath, fumble through nighttime routine. Child is in bed at 9, I am in bed at 9.30. Would love to go to sleep, but the iced latte I drank at 4:00 to prevent myself from driving into an overpass on way home from Grandmother's is preventing me from well deserved sleep. Finally fall asleep despite being able to feel every organ of my body pulsating from caffeine overload. Only to be woken by hubs when he got into bed and turned the TV on.  

Sometimes I think my family wants me to go insane. Lady Baby is trying to wear me down. She will not break god, she will not break me. 


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