1-800-Exorcisms

This past weekend Lady Baby decided to push me to the edge of sanity. She dangled me over the cliffs of maddness. I had moments when I am pretty sure I saw Ghandi and Jesus and Mother Theresa and all three of them told they would want to lock her in a cage too. Seriously, y'all. At one point I was about to dial 1-800-Exorcisms because there is no way my delicate flower could make those noises unless she was possessed. 

Where is Max van Sydow when you need him?

We went to the mountains with some friends. Those kind and forgiving folks have a four year old. Said four year old may need years of therapy after the torture he endured at the hands of my child. She poked, she pushed, she snatched, she verbally berated, she pushed every button she could find. I not-so-secretly wished he would punch her just to put her in her place. However, his parents asked me not to tell him it was okay to give her the people's elbow. So Her Highness spent half the weekend in time out and the other half trying to ruin our trip with her insane shenanigans which involved but were not limited to the following: doing the opposite of what I asked, screaming and sobbing, hitting me, stomping, and refusal to act like she had any sense.

I am really at a loss. The child has been spanked, but I am not sure that is the answer. I yell, she yells back. I put her in time out and she entertains herself with singing loudly, chatting to herself (or one of her other personalities, I am really not sure at this point), and entertaining herself. The only thing that seems to really make a difference is taking her paci, her blankie, or her chapstick. I don't want to use paci as a discipline tool because at some point it will be gone and I don't want that to feel like punishment. The other two are not always an option depending on the situation. I need suggestions. I need tips. I need someone to tell me what happens after chapter 1 of How to Raise a Strong Willed Child because that is all I read before I got bored and switched to the Sookie Stackhouse series. My bad. Lesson learned.

She is two. And two year olds are borderline psychotic on a good day, so I understand that part of the problem is age. But I suspect that the fact that she is an "alpha female," who is very stubborn, adds a serious dose of I-don't-give-a-shit to the behavior equation. She cannot be shamed, she is not a people pleaser, and she has no appreciation for rules she does not agree with. So what does that leave me with? A child who can go El Diablo faster than I can say "if you do that again I will put your blankie in the disposal." 

sheeeee'sssss bbbaaaaacccckkkk.

If you know Super Nanny, could you casually mention that we could use a consult? If you know the mom from Exorcist, could you tell her that I would love to have coffee sometime and discuss that whole head spinning thing? Or better yet, maybe we can all three have a skype session? That would be great. Also if you have any advice or know of a Scared Strait boot camp for two year olds, please leave it in the comments.