Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I am a P.O.W.

The whole thing starts with the war. Some might call it their birth story, but let's be honest. It is bloody and there is screaming and gnashing of teeth and the implements used for baby removal are basically weapons. Like I said. War. Then your tiny jailer comes out and the war is over and you now belong to her. The ever dependable and never wrong Wiki defines a POW as "a person, whether civilian or combatant, who is held in custody by an enemy power during or immediately after an armed conflict." Mother=POW. (I am educated about this type of thing. I mean, I have watched the first season of Homeland. And TV always gets it spot on. Am I right?) Here is what I am talking about. You cannot argue with this evidence...

  • I am accompanied to the bathroom.
  • I am accompanied to the kitchen. 
  • I am accompanied pretty much everywhere I go. If I attempt to flee alone, I am verbally berated and possible assaulted.
  • All computer time is monitored closely. It can be ended at the jailer's discretion at any time for any reason. This includes her just slamming the screen down. 
  • I am accompanied to the shower, where the curtain is pulled back at minimum five times to check that I am still there.
  • I am asked 17,652 times a day what I am doing. 
  • I am subject to intense questioning constantly. Interrogations can happen night or day, and are often paired with poking, close talking, and yelling. 
  • I am at the mercy of another person's whims. If my actions do not suit my jailer, I am reprimanded quickly and harshly. 
  • I must follow all rules set forth by my jailer. If I act out she loses her temper and I am quickly reminded to always ask before altering any normal course of action.
  • I am not permitted any of my own belongings. Trying to keep anything hidden or private is forbidden.
  • Sleep deprivation is practiced regularly. It involves but is not limited to letting me fall asleep then waking me up, waking me up at repeated intervals through the night, delayed bedtime, and very early waking. The last two are often used in conjunction.
  • All food must be shared at the jailer's whim. It doesn't matter if I am full or hungry or want more. Its her really her food. I just get to take a few bites to stay alive to keep the torture going.
  • Torture techniques involving the repeated playing of The Little Mermaid, Curious George, and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. This is meant to induce insanity.
  • Forced physical labor happens constantly. This includes, but is not limited to, hauling several bags of groceries and your jailer through the rain, vacuuming while your jailer hangs on your legs, cooking dinner while high stepping over your  jailer, and walking the dog while pushing your jailer on her tricycle.  
  • All requests are issues as commands. There is no arguing. You do that schmidt or else the suffer the wrath.
  • Forced worship at the First Church of Toddler, no other deities tolerated, and complete and utter devotion is mandatory.
The good news is, within several days of meeting your jailer, you fall into Stockholm Syndrome. That way, you don't even realize how exhausting it is having someone follow you around, question you constantly, eat your food, prevent you from sleeping, and verbally berate you. Also, you are afraid to anger your jailer because they are so very very scary when displeased. 


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