Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Christmas Failures. And It's Only the 5th.

This was to be THE year of epic Christmas awesomeness. An offshoot of my love for Pinterest has been a slow and steady buildup to Christmas. For months my pinning addiction has fueled my creative juices, with pictures of amazing crafts and food and kid activities. Lady Baby was sick over Thanksgiving, so we were forced to spend the weekend in seclusion, weathering a vicious schmidt-storm. Therefore I basically skipped Turkey day and jumped straight into Christmas with both feet. It was to be amazeballs. Mother-daughter projects. Unique home made gifts. Decorating the tree as a family. Starting awesome traditions and having good old fashioned Christmas fun. 

I. Was. A. Fool.

Epic memory making #1: Stamped Salt dough ornaments.
This was supposed to be a gift that we could give neighbors and they would comment how crafty and cool they were. And then I would be all, "they were so easy, Her Highness even helped." 98% failure. The dough stuck to the stamps and the wax paper and my hands. It did however keep Little Ma'am busy for about 30 minutes stamping and squishing, so not a total failure. There is the missing 2%.  When they dried they looked like a preschooler made them. Trash can. That is a crap-ton of flour and salt and two hours of my life I'll never get back.

Epic memory making #2: Birdseed ornaments.
After the failure of the salt dough, this was going to be our redeemer. The cool thing we could give the neighbors. The fun thing that Lady Baby and I could spend a morning doing. I let her help mix up the seed and the gelatin and then we started filling cookie cutters. Correction. I filled the cookie cutters while she gagged and shuddered and whined about how the seed felt and that it was sticking to her hands. So I got mad and finished them myself. It took 10 min and they look like crap because I didn't mash them down and I made the string holes to close to the edge so they all broke apart. Debacle.

Epic memory making #3: Christmas Tree decorating.
We got the tree up and the lights on (I attempted this and did a crap job so it got redone by His Royal Highness, Ruler of all Perfection). Then we commenced to hanging the ornaments. Rather we hung and Miss Priss removed them. Once we finally got her on board with putting them on instead of taking them off, she hung about 4 then went and laid on the couch. Such a beautiful moment, Mommy and Daddy hanging ornaments and reminiscing, while the love of their life lays on the couch and watches Mickey. Since erecting the tree, there have been some issues of the stop-undecorating-the-tree variety. This only confirms and affirms my decision for the last 2 years to not have a tree. She would have destroyed it. At least now she understands threats (see #4 for further explanation.)

Epic Memory making #4: Elf on the Shelf. 
This got off to a rocky start. First, I got the box and we sat on the couch together. Because I am an idiot and didn't think ahead, I am trying to explain the whole Elf sitch to my child while removing a twist tie from the elf's neck so we can get it out of the package. She was very concerned with all that until I explained that the elf came from Santa in a plastic bag to protect it. Thank god she doesn't understand the whole breathing air thing yet. Almost three year olds are very easy to lie to. Then I hand her the elf and start to read the book. Then I get to the part where she can't touch the elf and I promptly rip it out of her hands frantically. Commence the screaming. Fortunately after two days of asking if she could hold Ellie (way to go outside of the box on the name, kid) she finally gave up. She does however believe 100% that Ellie should be respected and revered. She has taken to asking Ellie if permission to do things and she apologized to Ellie yesterday morning after she gave me a hard time about getting dressed for school. Ellie is my home girl. Ellie is currently perched at our tree like a tiny security dog to keep Her Highness's paws off the ornaments that she won't stop removing from the tree. I heart Ellie. I may keep her out all year if this continues to be effective. 
Ellie Elf waiting to go ninja on any Honey Badger's that touch the tree.
Epic memory making #5: Advent calendar tradition.
I remember being little and having an advent calendar and carefully opening the little door every day and eating a piece of chocolate. So naturally I want to share this fun tradition with the light of my life. I purchased a calendar at the Teeter and have had it out where Lady Baby could see it for a few weeks. BTW, they have not changed in 25 years. Same picture, same chocolate squares with the little picture on every piece. Good times. So we start with day 1 and I show her how to open the little tab, which she rips off with vigor, and we pop the chocolate out and she happily garbles it down. Then I put it up and she asks for another piece. I calmly explain that she gets one piece everyday. The tantrum that followed leads me to believe that my answer was unacceptable. The next night hubs helped her and somehow they not only opened the door for day 9 (even thought it is CLEARLY marked) they also ripped the tab clear off along with a big chunk of the picture. Seriously? It is basically ruined. We are on day 5 and she is finally realizing that no matter how many times she asks, she is only getting one piece. But she also makes it clear that she is not at all happy about it and whoever made these rules is a complete idiot. Hey kid, I didn't make up the advent timetable, okay?

SO. I think I am going to throw in the towel and do everything else alone. When I told my neighbor my plans early on, she stared at me for a second and said, "That sounds like a lot of work." I think what she really meant was, "none of that is remotely going to work." I am going to embrace that there is plenty of time to do all the memory making. I am going to stop letting Pinterest make me feel like everyone in the free world is at home making beautiful and crafty ornaments with their kids who like to follow directions and listen and have never attempted to wrestle an advent calendar out of their mom's hands while sobbing. I am going to make what I can and buy the rest. You are welcome world economy and people on my Christmas list.  

On Saturday we are headed back to the place where the infamous Santa picture happened last year. To read about that, go here. Feel free to bookmark it so you can look at the picture every time you need a laugh. Can't wait to see what goes down this year. Her rabid spider monkey skills have only improved in the last 12 months. 


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