Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Honey Badger vs. The Mayans

Alrighty Mayans. This is what I have lived through just since Thanksgiving. Y'all really wanna come get you some of all this? Doubtful...

Three days straight of diarrhea. Not mine, Lady Baby's. 
So. much. worse. Rock bottom=cleaning diarrhea out of a mini potty. 

Three days of hearing my delicate flower say the word diarrhea. And at least once every day since. I get it, its melodious. But enough already. I will let you know when anyone that lives in the house, or that we know, or anyone that we may have met at the grocery store, ever gets diarrhea. Enough with the questions.

The dog spending 1.5 days throwing up.
The cat spending 2 days throwing up. 

Seven days of child panic every time the dog or cat walked through the room, with two days of intense discussion about throw up. Constant vigilance every day since if one the pets coughs or looks at her sideways. If I hear "I think Gypsy/Ripley is frowing up" one more time I am going to throw up.

2,546 viewings of part or all of Cinderella. Each viewing includes intensive, CIA style rapid fire questioning about every aspect of Cinderella and Sharmin (Charming) and everyone else in the movie.
"Who is that lady?"
"Why is that mouse dropping corn?" 
"Where is Cinderella's mama?"
"Where is Cinderella's daddy?"
"Where is Sharmin?"
"Where is the Blue Cinderella?"
"What's on that man's eye?"
"Why is he mad?"
"Why is she sad?"
"Why the mouse turns into a horsey?"
"Where is Sharmin now?"
Don't even get me started on Cinderella II and Cinderella III which are even more confusing to an almost three year old.

Hearing the phrase "Cinderellie" sung on repeat at some point every day for a minimum of 25 minutes, usually loudly in public.

Going on five days of Her Highness's cold that includes but is not limited to: squirrely fever that only comes on at nap and evening, snot factory of epic proportions, coughing, and a very short temper.

Going on five nights of being at my "sick" child's beck and call. 
"I need water"
"I need lemonade"
"Please rub my back"
"I need a pretzel"
"Please rub my back"
"I need to peepee"
"I just peepee'd"
"Please rub my back"
"Please rub my back"
"I'm hungry"
"Please rub my back"

So Mayans, as you can see, your little plan for Armageddon is no match for the Honey Badger.  You may as well wait until 3012, because if you show up here day after tomorrow, I will certainly put you to work rubbing my child's back, while watching Cinderella and fielding all questions, discussing diarrhea, and monitoring the pets for even the slightest sign of barfing. So keep moving if you know what's good for you.

Once again, I save the world. You are welcome.


"Um yeah, did you guys hear about the Honey Badger? Just think-tanking here, but I am
gonna go with a no on the apocolypse just now. I see your hand is up Clyde. I
will take that as a second to the motion. Thanks for your support bro. She sounds scary and I am
not really feeling the princess movie movement. Also, I have a sensi gag reflex and can't take all the diarrhea/puke chitchat. Spanks. BTW, as much as I love, and I mean love, a good ole' low swinging loin cloth, have yall heard of these new fangled things called pants?"


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