Monday, December 17, 2012

I Will Be Brave and Strong Because Life is for Living

The events of last Friday left me almost wordless all weekend. I have not talked about it much even though I am thinking about it constantly. I don't like feeling afraid and I don't like feeling worried. Both feelings that I have not been able to shake since those horrific events unfolded in Connecticut. 

Now words are flooding in...unfathomable, unfair, insane, shaken. Too many to write. These are words that hurt. I pride myself on my faith in humanity. I believe the best of the world. Then terrible things happen. Unimaginable evil. And cracks make their way up my tower. And I can feel it start to sway. And I worry that it is going to fall way, crumbling out from under me. And then I will become one of those people that is sad and sour, looking up at the rest of the world from a pit of negativity. I worry I will never see the beauty of life again.

Then, I look into my child's face. I see her smile and how she trusts me. She wraps her little arms around me and squeezes. And I remember. I remember why I think the world is amazing. I remember why I believe in happiness. Every time I see her face, I see hope. It reaffirms me. It reminds me. It restores me.

It does not mean I am not scared. Every time she is not in my sight, I feel a wave a panic. I fear what will become of her if I am not there every second of every day. But holding her tightly to me is not the best thing for her. It will not allow her to grow into the person she is meant to be. I have to let her leave the house. I have to take her to school. Someday I will have to let her drive a car and go to college. I cannot control things that are completely out of my control. I can only hope and pray that she is safe and happy. I have to believe that she will be fine, because if I didn't, I could never let her go again. And that is not how I want her to live.

I cannot let the crazy in the world keep me from living. Even more importantly  I cannot let it keep me from allowing my child to live her life. I will protect her when, and where, I can. I will watch over her to the best of my abilities. But I will not shelter her away from the world. I will let her live and go out and find her happiness and see the beauty in life. Most importantly, I will remind her when something shakes her faith in humanity that she must hold on to what she believes and knows for her own children. I am a mother. I am responsible for teaching my child that life is for living. And that is what I will do. 

I will be brave and strong to show her that life is for living.


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