The Little Mermaid: Your Dad is stupid and no matter what, don't listen to him. In fact, do the opposite of everything he tells you. And be rewarded with a set of bangin' legs and true love.
Cinderella: When you have the right dress and shoes and car, then the hottest guy in the neighborhood will fall in love with you and release you from the a life of helping out around the house.
Tangled: I don't mind this movie. The long hair creeps me out because she is always swinging it everywhere and it wraps around everything like a creepy hair tentacle. But the movie is way. too. complicated. Trying to understand kidnapping, magic youth-inducing flowers, magic hair, and a mother who is actually the bad guy, has Lady Baby extremely bent out of shape. (And asking a lot of questions.)
Lion King: When you are bad, you should run away. With a warthog and a lemur. And anyone with a scar is not to be trusted.
Brave: Your parents don't want you to be yourself. Don't listen to them. Instead, run away and make a deal with an evil witch.
Bambi: I will not dignify this movie because it is a depressing travesty that will kill a child's spirit and fuel therapy for many years to come.
Dumbo: See above.
Sleeping Beauty: You can hide from your problems by sleeping. Ok, never mind, I actually agree with this one a little.
Monster's Inc: Monster's live in your closet. You should never sleep again because they are waiting to jump out and scare you.
Beauty and the Beast: Again, I find nothing inherently wrong with this one, it is just confusing. Why is the beast a dog? Why does he turn into a man? Why is Belle's grandpa sick? Why is Belle sad? WHy Why WhY WHY WHy wHy....and on and on and on.
Cinderella III: A Twist in Time: Really guys, a turn-back-time movie? I may as well have showed Lady Baby Inception.
Finding Nemo: Your dad is a complete scaredy cat and when he warns you about danger you should completely disregard it. And scuba divers are bad (that is a direct quote from my child.)
Do you see what I mean? Do you? Disney is repeatedly confusing my child with their overly detailed tales and telling her that her parents are idiots. I show her movies to entertain her. I don't mind a little chatting about character and plot, but if I wanted to have an intense discussion followed up with a question and answer session, I would have her watching General Hospital, Entertainment Tonight and Project Runway. Things I would really like to discuss at length. Instead of a multi-day dissection on why the cook is trying to catch Sebastion or why the Beast has paws or why Brave's mommy is a very scary bear. The point of letting her watch a movie is a little quiet. Thanks for nothing, Walt and Co. Don't even get me started on the vault and the ceaseless advertising a movie months before it is released. I hear, "Mama, let's watch Peter Pan" a minimum of three times a day. I get it. Peter Pan is coming out. I have my own walking and talking reminder. Well played, Disney.
|She attends the First Church of the Mouse.|
So, yeah. We are in the Disney cult. Drinkin' the kool aid. Dancing on the roof with signs. Someone feel free to kidnap me and take me somewhere to rest and be deprogrammed. I could use a vacation where no one is asking me why Tangled's hair turned brown and why Ariel's bird friend combs his hair with a fork.