Friday, February 1, 2013

Disney: The Cult of Terrible Ideas

So some of y'all may have heard of a little company called Disney. You know, those people that run the free world while supplying American Children with a steady stream of TERRIBLE IDEAS?? Don't misunderstand. I love Fairy Tales and Disney can do a fairy tale up right. I love cartoons. I love Disney Fairy Tale cartoons. And all the other cartoon movies that pump out of the Disney machine on a constant basis. However, I have realized since we have jumped on the Disney train that I have some sort of beef with most Disney movie and the basic messages they are putting out there for the tinies who are lacking in the critical thinking arena. 

The Little Mermaid: Your Dad is stupid and no matter what, don't listen to him. In fact, do the opposite of everything he tells you. And be rewarded with a set of bangin' legs and true love. 

Cinderella: When you have the right dress and shoes and car, then the hottest guy in the neighborhood will fall in love with you and release you from the a life of helping out around the house. 

Tangled: I don't mind this movie. The long hair creeps me out because she is always swinging it everywhere and it wraps around everything like a creepy hair tentacle. But the movie is way. too. complicated. Trying to understand kidnapping, magic youth-inducing flowers, magic hair, and a mother who is actually the bad guy, has Lady Baby extremely bent out of shape. (And asking a lot of questions.)

Lion King: When you are bad, you should run away. With a warthog and a lemur. And anyone with a scar is not to be trusted.

Brave: Your parents don't want you to be yourself. Don't listen to them. Instead, run away and make a deal with an evil witch. 

Bambi: I will not dignify this movie because it is a depressing travesty that will kill a child's spirit and fuel therapy for many years to come.

Dumbo: See above.

Sleeping Beauty: You can hide from your problems by sleeping. Ok, never mind, I actually agree with this one a little.

Monster's Inc: Monster's live in your closet. You should never sleep again because they are waiting to jump out and scare you.

Beauty and the Beast: Again, I find nothing inherently wrong with this one, it is just confusing. Why is the beast a dog? Why does he turn into a man? Why is Belle's grandpa sick? Why is Belle sad? WHy Why WhY WHY WHy wHy....and on and on and on. 

Cinderella III: A Twist in Time: Really guys, a turn-back-time movie? I may as well have showed Lady Baby Inception.

Finding Nemo: Your dad is a complete scaredy cat and when he warns you about danger you should completely disregard it. And scuba divers are bad (that is a direct quote from my child.)

Do you see what I mean? Do you? Disney is repeatedly confusing my child with their overly detailed tales and telling her that her parents are idiots. I show her movies to entertain her. I don't mind a little chatting about character and plot, but if I wanted to have an intense discussion followed up with a question and answer session, I would have her watching General Hospital, Entertainment Tonight and Project Runway. Things I would really like to discuss at length. Instead of a multi-day dissection on why the cook is trying to catch Sebastion or why the Beast has paws or why Brave's mommy is a very scary bear. The point of letting her watch a movie is a little quiet. Thanks for nothing, Walt and Co. Don't even get me started on the vault and the ceaseless advertising a movie months before it is released. I hear, "Mama, let's watch Peter Pan" a minimum of three times a day. I get it. Peter Pan is coming out. I have my own walking and talking reminder. Well played, Disney.

She attends the First Church of the Mouse.
Not to worry though. It's not like we are going to quit Disney. We can't quit Disney. It is everywhere. It is like air. The princesses are  the kids version of the Khardashians. I don't worry about Lady Baby investing in the princess ideal and thinking that is life. All she has to do is look around at our house and notice that rarely does Mommy ever look like a princess. Besides the fact it would be physically impossible to take away her beloved Little Mermaid dress up dress, the only shoes she will wear are her princess sneakers, and her favorite book is The Princess' Celebrate Halloween. 

So, yeah. We are in the Disney cult. Drinkin' the kool aid. Dancing on the roof with signs. Someone feel free to kidnap me and take me somewhere to rest and be deprogrammed. I could use a vacation where no one is asking me why Tangled's hair turned brown and why Ariel's bird friend combs his hair with a fork.


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