Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Talking to Pregnant Women: A Cheat Sheet

So, as y'all know, I am with child. And I am a wee bit bigger this time around than I was when I was carrying Lady Baby. For instance, at this point with her I was barely in maternity pants. This time around I have been in maternity since like week 8. Awesome. I didn't encounter a lot of belly comments until the very end of my pregnancy. This time around it has been a little different. I have been the recipient of some, shall we say, remarks. And that leads me to what we have here. A list of things you can and cannot say to a pregnant woman.  (Not all of these happened to me. Some to my friends. I am sure they won't mind if I share their pain with y'all. It is educational afterall.)

"You are only ___ weeks?" (This was fun to hear last week.)
"You are not due until ___?" (This was equally fun. I didn't even know what to say.)
"How many are in there?" (The answer is always 37. There is no comeback, only embarrassment, if you say 37.)
"Are you dilated?" (Someone asked me that at a baby shower at Hub's office in front of the whole staff. Please, never ask anyone you are not BFF with the state of her cervix.)
"How big is that baby?" (Hold on, let me get my personal ultrasound machine out of my purse.)
"Are you overdue?" (Why yes, yes I am. Thanks for reminding me, I had totally forgotten.)
"You look miserable." (Was it the fact I can only get crocs on my feet or the look of desperation in my eyes that tipped you off.)
"You haven't had that baby yet?" ( I got that one a ton towards the end last time. I was more than ready to have the alien watermelon removed from my uterus. Being reminded constantly that it was still there was seriously unappreciated.)
"Wow, you feet are really swollen." (Thanks. Sometimes I forget that I look like I am walking with two loaves of bread on my feet.)
"Wow, your nose has gotten huge." (Yes, some women's noses spread. Yay procreation.)
"Wow, you are huge." (No schmidt. My maternity clothes don't even fit anymore. And I had certainly forgotten that I could hardly drive my car this morning because the steering wheels is so far away.)
"Yikes. I hope you are having an epidural." (For the record, my answer to this question is always a really loud, really enthusiastic 'yes.' I am pro-drugs.)
"I have a friend that had to have her lady garden fixed because she had a huge baby. Do you want the doctor's number she used?" (No comment needed. Just pray for a small head.)
"When is your baby due?" (She was born 4 weeks ago. Did you not notice the carrier here with the infant inside? Excuse me, I need to go google tummy tucks and juice diets.)

"You look amazing."
"You are glowing."
"You don't even look pregnant from the back."
"You are all belly."

Notice how many things you should never say and how few you should actually say? There is a reason for that. If you cannot control your mouth when you see a pregnant woman, then walk away. Otherwise, she may cut you. Or start crying. We are a hormonally unbalanced group. 

"Kim that dress looks awesome on you."
See, you don't have to say what you are really thinking.
Which may or may not be, "Please start shopping in the maternity
section for the love of God."

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

My Absence Explained with Good News.

It has been so long I may have forgotten how to write. So bear with me. This may be tedious and hard to read. I may have forgotten how to punctuate, and how to write precise and meaningful sentences. Who I am kidding. I have never been great at that.

I feel that it is only fair that I explain my absence. I have had questions, comments and hints. People wondering what is going on. Lots of excitement at the Manor. Read on, party people.

For the last two years we have been working hard and spending a lot of money with one goal. To ensure that the honey badger is not an only child. Cause let's face it. She would be THE WORST only child ever. And of course because we want another baby to share our love and home with, blah blah blah. I took drugs, had numerous IUI's, more drugs, more IUI's, even stronger drugs and it was crickets. Nothing except one very dejected non-pregnant person. Finally after 8 IUI's I hit an emotional wall and decided I was done. Time to take the baby making to the next level. And take it to the next level we did. We are talking IVF. The type of thing where we could have 11 babies and spend 1 million dollars. Scary. 11 Honey badgers. Someone hold me. And loan me a million dollars.

Well, after a long process that included a crap ton of anger and bloatation inducing hormones, a lot of doctors visits, a very successful fertilization of ten of my eggs in a super romantic petri dish (I am sure they have Lionel Richie on a loop), and a transfer of two eggs back into me, then 3 tedious weeks of blood work, we had a wonderful ultrasound full of good news. I thought it was an awesome day because we had our ultrasound and saw a heartbeat. Hubs thought it was an awesome day because we saw ONE healthy baby with ONE heartbeat. Apparently he wasn't feeling having to buy a minivan. 

Here are we are at 13 weeks tomorrow and Hubs finally lifted my internet gag order. I hope this is exciting enough to make up for my silence. I like to write about what is happening in my life. If it makes y'all feel any better, it was killing me!

SO. We are moving onward and upward with a bun in the oven (three in the freezer) and a smile on our faces. Those two years of agony are behind us. So happy to finally share it with some of my favorite peeps. Prepare yourself for lots of funny stories. I promise they are coming. This weekend I caught Lady Baby with her tankini hitched up telling another little girl in the baby pool that she had a baby in her tummy, did she want to feel it. So, yeah, this next 6 months will be entertaining.


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