Friday, September 6, 2013

The Epidemic Effecting Men Everywhere

I have terrible news. I have recently diagnosed my husband with a devastating illness. I believe it is a malady effecting men everywhere. Groceryagnosia, commonly known as Food Blindness. 

For years now I have noticed that when Hubs opens the pantry and refrigerator he is unable to see the food sitting right in front of his face. The issue does not seem to effect his speech, especially his ability to ask questions, such as "Where is the Milk?" For so long it made no sense to me. How can he not see the items sitting on the shelves? I am not just talking about the things in the drawers. That would mean actually opening them to look inside. Not even the food in tupperware. Cause its probably old and/or moldy anyway. I am talking about the food on the shelves and the door. Food that is labeled. By professionals. Then last week we were watching the show Perception and the perp had Prosopagnosia, also know as face blindness. According to the popular scientific medical website Wikipedia, it "is a disorder of face perception where the ability to recognize faces is impaired, while other aspects of visual processing (e.g., object discrimination and intellectual functioning (e.g., decision making) remain intact." The next day, Hubs was standing at the refrigerator, staring blankly, and he asked where something was and it hit me. He cannot physically see what is in the fridge. Same for the pantry. He is sick. With Food Blindness. It's. Not. His. Fault. Even though the jelly was RIGHT. THERE. Poor thing couldn't see it.

I am working to understand his illness. I try not to get angry when he asks where the peanut butter is, even though it has a bright red lid and says PEANUT BUTTER on it. Instead of storming over to the pantry and pointing in a hostile fashion while huffing and puffing to the poptart he seeks, I will try to gently show him they are right beside the granola bars. Instead of shouting "use your eyeballs, fool" when he wants the parmesan, I will simply tell him it is on the third shelf. I will remind him to use all his senses to find what he needs, not to rely on his eyes, since they clearly are not working. I will suggest using his nose and smelling each item until he finds the oreos. Or use his tongue and dip it in all the condiments until he finds the ketchup. There are other ways to find the food, and together we will work to figure them out. We can beat this thing. 

If your husband suffers from Food Blindness, you need to acknowledge it. Help him understand his illness and let him know he is not alone. Remind him men everywhere are staring at refrigerators, wondering where their gatorade is. I am currently developing methods to help our men overcome their problem. I think using flashcards of food items, walking around the grocery store and pop quizzing on what things are, and tazing their crotch every time they ask where something is, are all viable therapy options. We must retrain their brains. Sometimes it will be harder on you than it is on them. Sometimes it may take tough love. Sometimes you may have to let them starve for a few days.

So the next time your husband asks where the chips and salsa are, don't slap him in the face. Give him a hug. It's not his fault.
You see this.

He sees this.
It is an epidemic people.

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