Monday, January 13, 2014

Good Help is Hard to Find

I start back to work today. Before you all freak out and tell me I am crazy, it was my idea. I mean I am crazy, but that is my natural state and has nothing to do with this. And, I am taking it slow, easing into things. Hour or two a day until I get totally adjusted (hilarious, as if I will ever be totally adjusted). I am back and already having to deal with employee issues. I am having some "problems" with my new assistant...

He is lazy---he literally slept the entire time we were supposed to be working this morning. I was all, um could you please take dictation about this claim...and he was all, snore 'ZZZZZ snurfle snarfle. Unhelpful much?

He is a crybaby---every time I get on the phone he cries. That was the only time he wasn't sleeping. SO annoying. He also cries when he is hungry, when he is cold, and when the air hits his tush. How about less crying and more getting me some coffee. And a donut. Mmmmkay?

He is needy---needy employees are the worst, am I right? They want your attention and they will do anything to get it. Like crapping their pants. I get it. You don't have to barf on me. Repeatedly. I hear your needs. Your file has been noted.

He is obsessed with my boobs---he won't stop staring at them. Seriously. All. The. Time.  Earlier he nonchalantly groped me. I think I should call HR and file a formal complaint. 

Despite his performance issues and lack of attention to detail (except my boobs, of course) he is the cutest assistant ever. And a good snuggler. And he doesn't talk back. But he also ignores me when I am trying to bounce ideas off of him, so that is kind of wash. But he keeps his whining to a minimum and is a good listener. I guess I will keep him around. And maybe once he can hold his head up he will be able to actually get some valuable work done, and then I can take a nap instead of him. 
Makin' it happen while he chills. He could at least go pick
up my dry cleaning or arrange some meetings.  Worthless.
The office groper. I am pretty sure that is harassment.

                                   

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