Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Crippled Honey Badger: A Drama

We recently went to Lady B's 4 year old check up. And we were only two plus months late. Winning. Have you been to this appointment? Do you know what happens? Shots. Shots happen. Then shots-aftermath happens. 

The visit was fine. The sweet doctor let her ramble on about nonsense like what her friend Isabella brings in her lunch box, and why she doesn't want a haircut.  She hopped on one foot and got weighed and told him that her favorite food is carrots (LIES).  And every few minutes during the exam she asked, "when are the shots?" And he kept telling her, "at the end, at the end, it is the last thing." And she would dart her eyes around nervously and then breath an uneasy sigh of relief. And then it was the end of the exam. 

In comes the nurse with a tray full of shots and a big smile. Her Highness immediately knew that this woman who had seemed so nice at the eye chart was in fact a huge fakey traitor and was not to be trusted.  Nurse Ratchet and I pinned LadyB between the two of us in a WWE worthy move that kept her from squirming out, and in a blur of teddy-bear scrubs and ear deafening screaming, four rapid fire shots happened. That nurse moved with the speed of a person who has been punched in the face by a toddler. It was lightening. And then the howling started. Imagine a rabid feral street cat gets its tail stuck in a door, over and over again while having a hot poker stuck up its nose. Except louder. She cried, nay WAILED, until we got out into the waiting room. We got home, she got the rest of her My Little Pony bribe, and promptly fell asleep on the couch, after swindling some chocolate out of me because I felt so sorry for her.

Then she woke, and this is went down...

Her: I can't walk.
Me: Yes you can.
Her: I have to poop. Come carry me to the potty.
Me: Um, no. You can can walk.
Her: I can't. My legs hurt too bad from my Shocks.
Me: I think you mean your shots and yes, you can walk. Please don't have an accident.
Her: Why are you being so mean to me.
Me: Oh my god, just go to the bathroom.
Her: People are supposed to help each other.
Her: ***sob sob sob, cry cry cry, wail wail wail***
Me: GET UP. If you have an accident on the couch you are going to be in SO. MUCH. TROUBLE. 
(at this point I am starting to get worried that maybe she has been maimed by the shots and she really can't walk.)
Her: Lets take a walk.
Me: ***dead silence and confused staring*** If you can't walk we are not going to go take a walk.
Her: You can push me in the stroller and carry brother in the B-Hole. (side note she calls the Bjorn the B-Hole. I promise we have corrected her like 1380 times)
Me: Stand up and just try. If you can't walk then we will need to go back to the hospital.
Her: ***stares thoughtfully at me then in a dramatic fashion that rivals when Jesus healed the lame man, she stands slowly and hobbles a few steps.***
Her: I CAN WALK...I AM DOING IT. (Meryl Streep would have given this a standing ovation and then quit acting forever because she would know that she could never be near this good.)
Me: ***more blank staring***
Her: I can't wait to show Daddy. Now, I am not going to have to use those things grandma used when she broke her leg. 
Me: They are called crutches. Now please go to the bathroom before you poop your pants.
Her: ***skips off to the potty***

Crisis averted. She is in fact not maimed forever. She is however a drama queen who came thisclose to pooping on the couch. I am concerned we will have PTSD if she ever has to get the flu shot in the next few years.

Godspeed friends who have to do this appointment. 

And the Oscar for most dramatic Honey Badger goes too...

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Mother Nature You are an Annoying Overachiever

Hi there Mother Nature. May I call you Mother? We have a little situation. And Mother it is a code red. My child is having her millionth snow day this year. And it is a problem. Listen up sister and then lean away.

I get it. We are both working Moms. We are both just trying to get the job done. But the problem is when you get angry at work and make it snow for 7032 days, it makes it very hard for me to get my work done. You see, when you give us bad weather my child's school gets cancelled. And when she is not in school, she is here. At home. Also known as my office. All up in my business. Asking me questions. Needing things, like lunch and help when she gets stuck in her clothes. And every time she walks by my computer she touches it. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? Can you imagine dragging your kids to work and them being all, "how do you make it rain?" and "what is a cumulus cloud?" Then singing their own version of "Let it Go" on repeat for 45 minutes while you are trying to decide the best course of action for the summer months. That is what I am up against here. Working at home with your child also at home is virtually impossibly. This is where you come in, Naturella. You can stop this madness. Please, in a show of sisterhood, make it stop. Now. 

I know some of our brethren out there love snow days. An excuse to stay in the jammies and play with their kids. Drinking hot cocoa they have filled with homemade marshmallows in snowflake shapes and baking gluten free chocolate chip cookies with rolled oats and quinoa. Crafting with popsicle sticks and birdseed and homemade edible glue. That is not me. I can't drop everything to bake banana bread and make forts with my child every time it snows. Once, twice a year? Sure. Goodie. Sounds fun. Twice a week for 2 months? Pass. I send my child to school so someone else can teach her. So she can see her friends. So I can work. None of those things can happen when she is sitting here staring at me. So stop listening to the moms who are enjoying their snow days. They are drunk on snow cream. Please listen to me and stop this madness. It has lost its luster.

Enough already. Take a break. A spring break, if you will. Go lay on the beach somewhere. It will make you feel better.Sunday you gave us a teaser for Spring. We wore tank tops and ate outside. Yesterday it was snowing and sleeting and I may have cried a little. Shocker, there is no school today. Please let this be it. We have survived Snowmageddon and Snowpocaplyse this year. There are no more ways to turn a new storm into funny names for the end of the world, so you have to stop now.
The only acceptable snow day is one that keeps Daddy home to deal with the likes of this.
Sister Nature, please cut us some slack. Relax and let the sun shine for a bit. You have proven that you are damn good at your job. Now let me do my job. Those of us who can't fill the long days with snowman shaped pb&j sandwiches and science experiments about ice need weather that allows for normalcy. No more ice or snow, I beg you. If you are feeling pissy, rain is okay, just don't go overboard and freeze it, okay? 

Pat yourself on the back for a job well done and sit back and relax. Now catch the next flight out to Key West and leave us in peace to thaw out.

With love in rain or shine,
Thea DeLoreto


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