To the young Hipster who was visibly annoyed when he had to breathe the same air as my children and me at Walmart today...
1. Have you ever had to maneuver a "fun" cart? Do you know how heavy those things are? And how ridiculously long they are? Let me tell you. It's like an extra wide kayak filled with cinderblocks on tiny ill-swiveling wheels. That squeak. And then you fill it with pounds of flailing child and pounds of food. Makes it kind of hard to turn on a dime, mm'kay? Honestly you are lucky I didn't run over your Van slip-ons and break your toes. Chalk it up to 7,935 trips to mega super stores with my offspring.You are welcome.
2. You have no right to judge anyone. Yes, I am wearing my fat jeans. Yes, I have a sleeping baby attached to my front that is currently filling my cleavage with drool. Yes, I failed to flat iron my hair this morning. But I have two kids that I am trying my best to keep alive. What is your excuse, sir? You are wearing a striped tank and cut off jean shorts. This is Walmart in Greensboro. Not a coffee shop in Brooklyn. When you got ready, were you able to thumb through your tank and flannel collection in peace? Or was there a small person eating a yogurt tube and singing Brother Noah on repeat sitting on your bed? I am guessing the former. Was there someone screaming and pantsing you while you perfected that slicked back rocker hair with the too short sides? I am guessing not. You should have done a lot better considering you probably did all that alone.
3. My wish for you is to meet a nice girl. And the two of you will get married and decide to have a baby. And at the first ultrasound you will find out it is twins. And then two years later, you try for one more baby. And it is triplets. And then I hope you have to take your FIVE kids and go shopping. And you will see how a trip to Walmart is not only a way to get food and elastic waist pants in the same trip, it is also a way to kill two hours between preschool and dinner. And did I mention it will take you two fun carts to cart all those screamers around?
I know right now you think you are better than me. I am just a tired wife with annoying kids who almost hit you turning down the cereal aisle. But someday, you will be the exhausted parent with kids that won't be quiet and a cart full of cheese sticks and seltzers and cheddar bunnies and a tacky Halloween door sign. And some a-hole who thinks he is a trend setter will roll his eyes at you and your circus on wheels. And then you will truly understand irony.